my first visit reflection

My decision to enter Saint Paul Seminary came in a time when I was actually in the peak of my career. It is not that it is worth noting where I came from and what I had given up for, it is just that I wanted to be reminded that I left my job in Television knowing that I will be serving God. I felt I was ready for the formation that was why I took the big leap. But I must say that my choice of entering the seminary was not a bed of roses. I endured a lot of tempering in the fire to be molded into the person I need to be for the ministry. I endured nights of loneliness and desolation. I am a cry baby, I spent several nights crying in my bed and pondering on what I had done. Leaving a good job, my dear family, my friends, beloved and thousand of possibilities that awaits me. The great consolation I had was that the Lord is there for me; he sees my heart and knows my desire.

In the new set up (seminary), I felt I was given a set of new eyes to see. And see things on a new perspective, ‘a new way of seeing things’. Back in my work, I use to lead the pack to arrive on a goal we set. Placing my self as the head and putting pressure on my subordinates. Now, I placed myself as the follower, rather than the usual me doing all the tasks and labor. I am now being led by younger people whose ages were even half my age. Following them and asking their advice on things. I was humbled by this experience knowing that there are a lot of things to be known and to be discovered in the formation life.

Now I feel I’m having the longest retreat of my life, 359 days almost a year and 4 days now. A retreat that is longer and more demanding. Like in a retreat, I enjoyed every moment. Going to mass and celebrating the Eucharist everyday, it is the gift that I am very thankful of. My previous work did not allow me to do it because of the tight schedule. The Eucharist gave me a different elixir, a revitalizing experience that made me finish my everyday tasks. Having fixed prayer time and a quiet time to be in communication with God helped me a lot. It made me more aware of my prayer life and focus on my actions throughout the day. I also felt I was like in a rehab center in a positive sense, realizing that I need to be cured of the unnecessary things and desires that I was sick of. It was not like a drug rehab, mental rehab or the Alcoholic anonymous type.

It was like “I am Edward Dantis and I (am an alcoholic) wanted to serve the Lord” type of testimonial that you will hear when you enter. Men here are not intoxicated or drugged, not of substance abuse but men who share the same passion, desire wanted to serve the Lord 24/7.

Being in the seminary is also like a fine tuning experience for me, like in a car that has to be re tuned before it is set again for the road. I know that I will need a lot of preparation for a life of service and ministry that I wanted to live. I have the basics and the idea how to do it, but I need to be equipped and well trained before I go to into full time ministry. I felt I was young again and I was back to my college days, where my only concern was my studies. But to be honest, I felt at times that I was so behind. I felt desolated after the exams and quizzes thinking that I could have done better if I was a bit younger. Now I cannot memorize theories and the likes, unlike when I was in college. I also asked myself especially in times of stress ‘why I need to go back to studying again?’ But, I realized that I have to study well if I wanted to pursue the kind of ministry that the Pauline has, a learned ministry. Realizing that I can only teach and share if I had studied, equipped my self with knowledge. I had the chance to be more, a chance to do what I really wanted to do. Teach theater, TV production and give workshops.

I never had a chance to have a brother, be it younger or older than me. I always wanted to have one. I have 6 siblings, all of them are girls. Here, I was gifted with a chance to be with at least 50 brothers of different backgrounds, talents and temper. Where I also found reflections of myself, the traits I admire in me and those I somehow despise. This brotherhood was forged in common love for God and the desire to serve his people. I was almost in tears when we sang the batch song “Pastoral”, it spoke of our desire why we entered the seminary. The prayer Secret to Success will forever be meaningful to me. It became our pact to God, on how we will aspire to live as Pauline. It comes with the whole history of men who came before us and made a pact with God, consecrated their lives to be communicator of God’s love to all men. I felt a sense of security that I am with other men discerning seriously about their vocation, sharing the same passion for ministry.

It serves as a sanctuary for me, a refuge, a real home away from home.

Here I had experienced pure and simple happiness, contentment. I had the chance to enjoy the pleasures and luxury in life when I was outside, but now I find joys and satisfaction in little things. Like finding out that the ‘merienda’ or the viand for the night is my favorite. Knowing that the movie for the Friday film viewing is worth watching makes me feel happy.

It was also in here that I came to realize my brokenness and inconsistency, the pull of my two selves in me. The desire to be good, turn away from sin but not doing it at all. The great want of integration of the self, to strive for wholeness and deal with the spoiled child in me. I know I still need to purge the things not so good in me, discouragement, lack of will and compassion. I am a total sinner but willing to serve God. I believe that God, who in spite of my brokenness is willing to accept me. It is in this seminary where I was able to look into myself and know what I really wanted to do in my life. Deepen my love for God; aspire to love Him profoundly after realizing His immense love for me.

I can see clearly now God’s abundant grace given to me and how little I responded to it. Remembering what I wrote in my digital organizer many years ago: ‘Una akong minahal ng Diyos, ibinabalik ko lamang sa kanya ito sa pamamagitan ng pagtugon sa kaniyang pagtawag. Ang pagtugon sa tawag ng pag-ibig at pag-aalay ng sarili’. My vocation as a response to God’s call to love and offer myself.

John 10:10 “I came that you may have life and live it abundantly”

Bukas yon. Bro Cash Yon! and Bukas yun.

Prologue:

Masaya na ako sa mga pinagdadaanan ko dahil binigyan ako ng ng mga ito ng pagkakataong makilala ang aking sarili. Ang kahinaan, kalakasan, mga takot, pinagtataguan, tinatalikuran, mga kayang gawin at mapagtatagumpayan. Ang makita ang buhay na nais kong tahakin, buhay relihiyoso – ngayon pa ay sa Kapisanan ni San Pablo. At ang makilala ang Diyos na nais kong pagsilbihan/paglingkuran. To love the Lord profoundly and seek what he wants of me.

Act 1: Bukas Yon.

Tell the world of his love. World Youth day ’95. Siguro most of you ay nasa grade school pa noon or baka nga hindi pa nag-aaral. After attending the big celebration and one of my greatest faith experience, dinapuan ako ng lagnat na hindi na humupa at umalis sa akin. 3rd year college ako noon pero nadama ko ang lakas at kapangyarihan ng kabataan na maging bahagi ng simbahan at ng misyon nito. I wanted to partake in the ministry and tend the vineyard. Nagpaalam ako sa amin na papasok ako ng seminaryo. Malaking pagtutol ang natanggap ko. Kasi nga naman ay mahirap lang kami at ako ang inaasahn nilang tutulong sa kanila pagkatapos ko mag-aral. Umaasa silang makahahanap ako ng trabaho at magaahon sa aming lahat. Pakiramdam ko noon ay kinukulong ako at hostage ng pamilya ko. I was so restless. May mga panahon na gusto kong tumakas sa amin at makipagtanan sa Diyos.

It was a noble idea but the repercussion of it I could not imagine. Losing the eldest son, the would be jewel and passport to a good life. Ang sabi ko, my heart was restless until it found rest in you my God. Kung sino-sino na ang kinausap ko, ex-seminarian, priests and spiritual directors. Ang takot ko noon ay ang ipagpaliban ang bokasyon ko, baka kasi kapag lumaon ay mawala na ito. Pero sabi ng isang kaibigan kong ex-seminarian: kung tunay na Bokasyon yan, ipagpaliban man ng ilang taon at harangan ka pa ng sibat – nariyan yan.

Isan pang takot ay ang hindi pagtugon sa panawagan ng Diyos, sa pagsunod sa mga magulang ko na huwag muna pumasok. Sabi naman ng paring nakausap ko: look at it this way, maybe God is asking you to respond to his call through your family. Dito lang natahimik ang damdamin ko at hindi muna ako pumasok, samahan pa ng ilang sessions ng inuman at yosihan na Bokasyon ang topic. Mabuti na lang at supportive ang mga kaibigan ko sa akin. Ang sabi ko sa sarili ko: sige at ‘Bukas na lang ang bokasyon na yan’.

At inabot nga ako ng 14 years sa pagpapabubukas na iyon. Hindi dahil sa talagang ginusto ko ito kung hindi sa dahilang tumulong muna ako sa amin. Nakapag pa-debut ako ng limang kapatid at nakatulong makapagpatapos ng apat sa kanila na ngayon ay mga propesyonal na. May mga pagkakataong naiiyak ako sa kalagitnaan ng misa kapag naala ko ang bokasyon na ipinagpaliban ko.

End of Act 1

Act 2: Bro Cash Yon!

Finally, matapos ang mahaba-habang panahon ay naglakas loob na akong tumawid sa kabilang daan at tunguhin ang landas na itititibok ng puso ko. Oops, may kaunting problema tayo kuya. The equation is: You are leaving your work + which means you will have no source of income = you will have no money. Oo nga pala. Kasi hindi naman ako nakapag save dahil I paid practically everything sa bahay namin, hindi sa nanunumbat pero nagiisip lang kung saan napunta ang aking mga kinita. Malaking hamon ito sa akin kasi back to zero ako. Pinakamalaking agenda ko sa prayer noon ang financial support. Sabi ko sa pamilya ko na noon pa, nanalangin ako ng sapat lamang at hindi sobra-sobra. Ngayong hindi na ako kikita, siya na ang bahala sa atin. Kailan man ay hindi tayo ginutom ng Diyos. Pipiliin ko siya, kaya problema na nya yun kung saan ako kukuha ng pera. At mula ang sa provision ng panginoon, nagkatrabaho ang mga kapatid ko at hindi naman ako nawawalan ng benefactors.

If I wanted to remind myself to be humble, I always look at my situation now. Never akong umasa sa pinaghirapan ng iba. I earn what I keep, with my sweat and blood. I owe where I was to myself and my hard work, pero eto ako ngayon na ultimo toothpaste at pambili ng brief inaasa sa benefactors at mga kaibigan – kapuso, kapatid at kapamilya. Minsan ay inabutan ako ng P50 ng isa sa production assistant ko dati na malapit sa akin, sabi ni Hazel ‘tay magtaxi ka na pauwi ng Makati para safe at hindi ka naman talaga mahilig mag commute. Tinanggap ko ang pera sabay yakap sa kanya, pasasalamat sa pag-alala at sa pagmamahal. Mula gma7 hanggnag crossing umiiyak ako sa taxi at tinatanong ko ang sarili kung tama ba ang desisyon ko. Natutunan kong napakaraming hindi nabibili ng pera.

Akala ko noon mahal na mahal ako ng pamilya ko kasi ako ang nagdadala ng okasyon sa amin. Birthday, holiday, mother’s day at kung ano pang day – sagot ko ang handa. Laong lalo na ang Pasko. Pero hindi pala, kasi ngayon umuuwi akong walang dala kapag may okasyon ganun pa rin ang kanilang pag-iistima. Laging parang may OFW na dumating kapag home weekend ko. Kailngan ko daw tikman lahat ng niluto nila. Dama ko din ang totoong presence ko sa kabila ng payak na salo-salo. Nakakapgkwentuhan kami at videoke hanggang umaga ng walang tumatawag sa akin sa kalagitnaan ng Noche Buena para sabihing kailangan ko ng pumasok at may breaking story daw kami. Oo, sagot na ng panginoon lahat ng kakailanganin ko. Mula tuition, school related expenses hanggang sa additional na prizes at budget sa mga programs. Tiwala ko lang sa kanya at pagmamahal sa mga tao

ang kapalit.

End of Act 2.

Act 3: Bukas yun.

My prayer now is the gift of Openness. Ang maging bukas ang isip sa bagong karunungang natatanggap mula sa pag-aaral muli. Lalo na ang matanggap at maisabuhay ang pilosopiya. Nalaman ko nga na I truly exist noong makagat ako ng aso at kinalimutan ko ang Cartesian dualism. I experienced pain and anger and confusion, mula sa senses na nakadama nito. The world is really in here and not some where else, narito ang aso na kumagat sa akin at wala sa ideal world kung saan walang asong nangangat ng tao, sa world ni Plato. Dalawang beses sa isang taon akong na-emergency at alam kong malalagpasan ko ito kung tatandaan ko lang ang Humanism ni Marx. Pero kidding aside, openness of the mind to the knowledge I gather from the subjects I am in and the subjects that I also teach.

I pray for openness of my heart. Ang maging bukas ang aking puso sa lahat ng kailangan kong maramdman na makapag-papahina, makapag-papalakas at makapagpapatag sa akin bilang tao at bilang nasa formation. Ang matutong ibigin ang Diyos ng lubos sa pamamagitan ng pagmamahal sa kaniyang mga nilikha lalo na sa mga taong minsan ay nakapag dadala sa iyo ng sakit at inis. Isasaisip na may dahilan ang panginoon sa mga pinagdaddnan ko ngayon.

I pray for openness of my hands. Ang maging bukas ang aking mga kamay sa mga gawaing iniataang sa akin at sa mga darating pa. Ang i-abot ang aking kamay sa mga maaring mangailanagn ng aking tulong. Ang maibigay ang lahat kahit sa aki’y wala ng matira. Sapat na ang malaman na ako ay kinailangan at nakapag silbi sa iba.

End of Act 3

Epilogue:

Apektado ako sa mga nangyayari saking paligid. Noong lumabas si Xedrix at ngayong lumabas si Ruther, hindi ka maiwasang magtanong sa aking sarili. Ano kaya ang naging problema? Alam ko naman pinagdadaanan ko din ang mga pinagdadaanan nila. Ang patuloy na paghahanap sa sarili sa kalagitnaan ng mga posibilidad. Ang hanapin ang dating gawi at luho sa trabaho. Ang mangulila sa mga kaibigan, pamilya at katipan. Pero iba na ngayon, ito na ang buhay ko. Nagninilay, sumusubok, tumitipa, nasasaktan, nagmamahal nanalangin. Nararanasan ko ang mga ito dahil narito na ako sa loob at narito na ang puso ko.