what the Lord asks of me

Journal entry august 29, 2012

My helplessness.

            As I ponder about my life in the novitiate I was moved to know, what the Lord asks of me now. In this novitiate where I seem to be helpless and powerless, I am still strong and able but left with not so much to do. No T.V. programs to direct, scripts to write and edit, videos to shoot and produce. There were no project consultations and planning for the apostolate. I do not have the time and opportunity to talk with my family and friends, to give them my comfort and love. I ask again: is this what the Lord asks of me now?

            Maybe the Lord is saying that there are many Edward, Edong and Epat who are out there doing the same things that I used to do but there are less Edward, Edong and Epat praying and spending time with Him. This is what he wants of me now, to be still and to stand by Him. This is what my novitiate life should be. I remember the book I was reading (Letters from the Dessert, Caretto) the author presented a question postulated by Pope Pius XII “What does Jesus do in the Eucharist?” He explained that the Lord who is all powerful is immobilized and reduced to a small white bread. We all needed Him so much but he chose to be just there, silent and immobile. The silence of God – the weakness of God he said further. While the whole world is noisy and agitated and confused, he reduced himself to bread.

            It is true that the world and the Eucharist seem to move in opposite direction as the author explains, but I believe that there is no dichotomy (that one is separated from the other) in these because both exist in the same plane. As we live our daily lives which seem to be a churning of pain and labor, we are being gushed like strong waves that crush when it hits the boulders of disappointments and frustrations. It will take a lot of courage and grace for us to be able to swim opposite the current and go where the stillness is – towards the Eucharist. To be able to drop everything and stop for a moment to be quiet – quiet the mind and heart, to worship with the whole being. To be able to do all of these not only in a cerebral level but with the whole body, heart and soul.  

            I have to have a strong faith to understand all of these that at one point God has become powerless to be able to save. That was what he did in the Calvary. In the Eucharist, He let Himself transform into a piece of white bread so that we can receive Him. To spend a moment of helplessness in the exposed host so we can adore Him. In this sense, I want to be a helpless servant – powerless. I thank the Lord for my status now as a novice, he allowed me to be helpless so I can spend time to get to know Him better and be with Him – the source of my vocation, the meaning of my life.