Journal entry

August 6, 2012

It has been almost two weeks since our brother Ramon left us, he went out of the novitiate to work and support his family. It was very tough decision for him. I admire his strength, courage and bravery for letting go of what he really wanted and answer the call of his family. It was hard to accept that he let go of the six years of formation life to be a priest and to start over as an ordinary person. But I think that what he did was not a turning back from the call of God, but responding God’s call through his family.

            If there was one person who can say that he feels for Ramon that would be me. I can say that because I was in the same situation many years ago.   Being the eldest among the siblings, like him who felt the pressure of helping the family and taking care of the other siblings really strikes a big blow in the vocation.

            I was fourth year college when encountered the same scenario – a senior student with full of potential and promise. After finishing college I should be looking for work, but instead I wanted to join a religious congregation and be a priest. Those who knew me like my friends and other relatives rallied behind me in support. Those who did not know me think that I was crazy or I just wanted to run away from the responsibility of being the first born. That was the time when I wanted to run away literally from my family because I thought they were holding me in captivity since they disagreed with my plan. I went to friends for advice and had a drinking session with them to help me talk of what I really felt that time. I cried several times in front of my friends in the midst of our drinking spree, that was the time they felt that I was really serious with my problem. I was so restless then that I wanted to elope with the Lord. I was afraid to postpone entering the seminary in the fear that I may lose my vocation. A good friend who was a former seminarian told me that if the vocation I have is true, even if it take me many years and even if they put spears and swords in my path I would still continue.

I also went to priests for guidance. It was Fr. Bebot, an Augustinian Rocollect priest who made me decide finally to postpone my desire to enter the seminary. He told me to be courageous in confronting my issue with my family, that I should give time and listen to what they were saying. That I have to find in my heart that it was the same God who called me to my vocation who is calling me to respond through my family. I felt I was like St. Augustine who was restless until I heard His answer.  

I know that I did not turn away from God’s call during that time because after ten years of postponing and working for my family, I am now here in the formation. May the Lord God take care of my brother Ramon that he may persevere and always find love.  

of death and remembrance

Journal entry september 21, 2012

          There have been too many deaths recently. My good friend Jenny just lost her mother, Ogie and Joan lost their fathers. We lost our good friend Joseph with asthma. I know that these people are special and will not be forgotten. They played a great part in our lives and will take a special place in our hearts.

            Last film viewing session, we saw ‘Asiong Salonga, Hari ng Tondo’. It was one of the most remarkable Tagalog films I have seen so far, in terms of the story, visual narrative and ensemble performance. One scene from the film captured my attention; Asiong the lead character was watching a funeral service on television. It was that of the late comedian Tugo. He was ushered by crowd of people in procession towards the cemetery.  Flocks of different people were in long queue on the funeral procession, a real sight to behold. Asiong said to his wife that he wanted to be remembered by the people and send off to his grave in the same way. People crowding the streets, crying, sobbing and mourning the loss of a great man. By the end of the film, Asiong because of his great love for the people and for the country got the funeral that he wanted.

            It would be too premature now and morbid to think about what my funeral would be like. This deep thought is too existential even. I still want to profess my first vows and later on ordained as a Pauline priest and I pray that God would give me that grace. I want to hold my thanksgiving masses in our barrio in San Miguel Bulacan and in Marinduque. I want to hold masses for the underprivileged people in far flung areas and if give the chance I also wanted to guide media practitioners in the proper use of communication and shepherd them the Pauline way. That is a lot to think about and to hope for.  I pray that I can live to see the mission of our founder Blessed James Alberione be realized. May I help in spreading the Gospel in the most efficacious means to a large number of people. But when the Lord said cut! . . . .  Like in a shooting of a film, all will be put to hold or even put to stop. In my life, He calls the shot not me and I am just His production crew.  

            Will there be flowers beside me, in my head and feet? Wish it would be all white. But may I leave good deeds that are like the flowers that would remind them of God’s love manifesting in my prayers and my love for all of them. Will there be ribbons? Wish they would be yellow like Ninoy and Cory’s. But may I leave a good example of how production and communication should go and flow that every ribbon that they see will remind them of the hallmark of perfection and order that we tried to accomplish as communicators and media practitioners. Will there be crying? Wish there would be none. But may I leave memories that would make them smile and even laugh, may they feel that I will always be there for them. May the tears be only mine – tears that will wash away all the troubles and heartaches that the world has given them. Can I be comfort to them? Wish I could be comfort for all.

Will it be a sunny day? Wish that it would rain. To bring freshness and rest to the earth and to souls longing for rest in God’s embrace. But may I leave marks of love and forgiveness in many hearts that I may dance with them all in the rain and assure them that God is faithful in His promise. Will there be people to send me off? That we have to see. But may my life be long enough to love more people, to show love, to be one with love and be love. That people need not show up but show love and send me off with their love multiplying and reaching God’s desk that they all may vouch for me to enter His heavenly kingdom.

Will there be more questions? Wish that there would be more. That death is just a passing through and remembering is in the heart.